Three Simple, But Hard to Say, Words

This past week, something came across my desk that would have been relatively simple to handle, were we not living through a global health crisis. One staff member reached out to me, with all the humility in the world, and expressed concern at how they were treated by another staff member. There were the usual caveats someone in leadership will hear: "I'm really not trying to get this person in trouble," "I know they meant well," and "I'm sure it was just stress." But during these especially trying times, I heard, "Their job is so much harder now," "I can't imagine trying to do all this from afar," and "The school dismissal is really hard on everyone."

Still, I pointed out, it has brought this to my attention. So I listened some more, took notes, and reviewed the situation from the first staff member's perspective. The entire conversation took somewhere between seven to ten minutes. This person thanked me for my time, and I hung up the phone. From what I heard, an apology was warranted. Still, I have had too many of these conversations in leadership over the years to expect two people to see these situations similarly.

Now, if we were not experiencing a pandemic, I would have reached out to the other staff member to set up a time to talk face to face. It was not a serious matter, I was not going to document this incident, nor even note it as a "verbal warning." It would just have been two people sitting down discussing a situation that took place.

Yet, we are living through a pandemic. That does change things. It has changed our landscape in a myriad of ways. It has added stress and anxiety to our lives. It has changed what school looks like. It has put tremendous strain on relationships. It has changed how we interact with each other. In short, nothing is like it ought to be.

I mulled the best way forward. Obviously, in person was not an option. Was it a Zoom Meeting or a Google Hangout? I didn't think so, based on the research from National Geographic. Our brains are trying to do too much virtually, and I was trying to keep this conversation reasonably low-key, while still discovering what the perspective of the other staff member was. I decided to go old-school and went with a phone call.

It seems so passe and even quaint. Not FaceTime, not FaceTime audio. Just ten numbers and push the green button.

I reached out via e-mail and set up a time to talk to the other staff member. When we connected, we each asked about the other's family, health, and wellness. After an acknowledgment of the beautiful weather for the three day weekend, I took a deep breath and asked about the interaction. What I heard from this staff member was nothing short of incredible.

"Oh boy, they got the worst of me that day. I was so upset, and they were the first person I saw. I'm sure I was not at my best, and I feel really badly about what happened. Do you think they would be open to an apology?"

I have been in educational leadership since 2003, and this is the first time I have had this happen to me. This is the first time I have not had to prod, poke, or steer the conversation. This is the first time I have heard someone acknowledge, from the beginning, how poorly they handled the situation. Finally, this is the first time I had had the other person offer to make an apology to the other when from the beginning, I thought one was appropriate.

Apologizing is one of the harder parts of being human. For the apology to feel authentic, the person needing to apologize must think that they truly made a mistake. Without that, the apology will, more often than not, feel empty to the person on the receiving end. As I glanced down at my notes for this conversation, asking for an apology was number four on the list I'd sketched out to guide me through this phone call. We'd gone from step 1 (asking about their perspective on the interaction) to step 4 immediately.

I was profuse with my praise for this individual. I spoke about their commitment to our profession of education, the example they are setting for others, and the ease with which they admitted their shortcomings in this particular situation. If more people could approach challenging situations like this, we would resolve our differences much more humanly. Honestly, if I could approach situations more like this staff member, I know My Family would appreciate it. I'm not always the best at admitting when I've made mistakes...

Despite the challenges of the current time we are living in, there are lessons that I want us to take away. This is one of them. I'm sure there's someone in your life who needs to hear these words. Please find that person this week. Please tell them you are sorry. The impact will be profound.

The words, however, are simple.

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